I got one bag...

Or as they say in English, I was gifted an orange duffel bag. Let me set the stage and describe my initial moments of ownership. It was a nice bag. I really appreciated that bag. That bag filled me with joy. I unfolded the bag to reveal the original 2009 paper tags still attached. The bag smelled new - like a new, orange, freebie, duffel bag should smell. I was overjoyed. I also received a nifty orange Nalgene bottle as an accoutrement to my beautiful orange duffel bag and while the bottle was incredible, it did not have the same whiz-bang as the bag. If this bag were an individual, it would have been the elderly gentleman in the Dos Equis commercial. The bag was amazing. It was suave. It was debonair. All the cool kids had one. It was not only aesthetically modern, it was aerodynamic, and theologically sound. If a bag could do somersaults, this bag would have won 9 gold medals. It would have won the Triple Crown and also been the 10 time World Champion (with Kelly Slater in close contingency). If it were a delicacy, it would be caviar with a drop of mustard (because on earth, nothing is that perfect) . If the bag were a scholar, it would have trumped Einstein. If it were Trump, it sure as H E double hockey sticks (HELL) wouldn't have flossed an awkward looking hairpiece. If it were a hairpiece, the prince would have used it to climb up in order to escort Rapunzel down. If it were a superhero, it would have been the son of Jorel. If the son of Jorel had one, he would use it to tote his red and blue PJs, saving the main pocket for his cape. If this bag were any more resilient, it would have been Gumby with the Arnold Schwarzenneger's muscles (pre-weirdness) and Fabio's hair. Incidently, they used the same model of bag in Oceans 13 to carry the money out of the casino because it just had that level of badassery. Had they put the label "Badassery" on my beautiful orange duffel bag, Merriam Webster would have had to revise the 2010 edition dictionary to include it. If my bag were a genius, it would ponder random and tangent thoughts. This bag was so gnarly, it would have surfed 50 foot Waimea on a McDonald's food tray. This bag would have come with all 7 of the purple hearts it earned had it not been so humble as to turn them down in respect for its fallen comrades.

Oh, the possibilities... I would use that orange duffel bag pre-magnanimous surf days. I could picture myself, my orange duffel bag, my surf board, my towel - we would be singin' (because singinG is for boring people yet, singin' is not) in the car together on our way to the beach, each of us having a small part in the holistic surf session sense. The duffel bag would carry my sunblock, my towel, and my surfboard wax. The possibilities were truly endless then like a fork scraping the plate for the last morsel of pie, something happened... Rampage sat in my bag.

It's okay. As she stepped out and I inspected and scrutinized every single strap, zipper, stitch, and thread, I knew that this bag and I would be friends for a long, long time. It was everything I had just blurbed about and more.

I will still use this duffel bag. It will still be my badge of honor. It will be the VIP cards of all VIP cards. It will give me additional discounts on already reduced items. It will still be my star quarterback. It will go where no man has gone before and laugh in the face of William Shatner. I hope each and every one of you can also find that "orange duffel bag" in your lives. An ode to my orange duffel bag. =)


  1. $15 Checked Baggage fee is cheaper than passenger ticket! Maybe you can even get away w/ a carry on.


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